Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners once more.
Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, often causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
