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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that professional help might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You know it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.